Never Look Back
by Venus
Summary: A scene from Zell's childhood that explains some things about him...


The sun was warm on Zell's face, the ocean lazily rolling in to land, bees buzzing the fragrant clover around him, as he plodded home from school. His attention was focused completely on the group of boys walking behind him. Shoulders tense, Zell anticipated their attack. 

"Hey, ya know what I heard about Zilch?!" one of the boys asked his friends loudly. 

Zell cringed inwardly. Zilch was some odd amalgam of his name - Zell Dincht - that they had come up with. Zilch. As in zero. In his class of girls who were buying their first real bras and boys whose voices were starting to change, Zell was by far the shortest and youngest looking, and he was painfully aware of it. People who didn't know sometimes thought he belonged in the grade school down the street. He constantly stood out, and his classmates reminded him of that - and all his other perceived shortcomings - every chance they got. 

"What?!" the others replied, all fully aware that Zell could hear them. 

Zell clenched his jaw and fists and resolved to ignore them. 

"I heard that his real parents aren't really dead. He just tells everyone that so they won't know that they gave him away 'cause they didn't want him!" The group broke up laughing. 

"Yeah, even THEY couldn't stand him!" 

"Dudes, if Zilch was MY son I'd just kill myself!" another boy shouted. 

"No! No!! THAT'S what really happened!" one of them bellowed over the group's laughter. "They ARE dead - they killed themselves because their son was so stupid!" Whoops and hoots and more laughter erupted. 

Zell walked faster, holding his head high, trying to be defiant against the tears that were burning in his eyes. The memories of the war that took his parents were still with him daily - and nightly as well, fragments in his nightmares. How dare they - these boys whose lives had been untouched, sheltered from that kind of pain - how DARE they?! 

"I bet as soon as he came out his mom took one look at him and killed herself!" 

"Yeah, she blew her brains out!" 

A cold chill ran through Zell, followed by a hot one. Impulse overruled sense and he spun around with a stomp of his foot and yelled, "SHUT UP!!!!" 

"Oh NOOO Zilch wants us to shut up!" 

"Awww, he's really hurt! Look he's crying!" 

"Oh no!" 

Zell wasn't crying yet but his face was red, he was shaking and the lump in his throat hurt. He couldn't let them see him break down and he couldn't pretend that he didn't hear them for the rest of the walk home. Hoping that today they wouldn't chase him down, Zell turned and ran. 

As his short, skinny legs carried him across the grassy plains, the boys' voices and laughter carried on the wind. 

"Chiiiiiickeeeeeeenn!!" 

* * *

Zell darted through the cobble stoned streets of Balamb, hoping that nobody would see his tear-streaked, dirty face. He slid through a tiny alley between his house and the hotel and emerged by the deserted docks. He slung his book bag down and crouched there for a minute trying to stop crying so he could go home. Boys who cried were weak. He had to be strong, like his grandpa. 

Zell rubbed the back of his fist across his face and tried to smooth down his unruly hair - his mom liked to keep it neatly parted, combed and gelled down. He couldn't let her see him upset. She would never understand. But he couldn't be late either or she would be worried. After a few minutes he retrieved his bag, looked out over the water and took a few deep, shuddering breaths before heading home. 

"Hi hon!" Zell's adopted mom called as Zell thundered up the stairs. 

"Hi Ma!" he called back without stopping. 

"Come back down in a sec!" her voice followed him. "I have something to show you!" 

"Ok!" Zell put his bag and jacket onto his bed. She'd cleaned his room again while he was at school. He hadn't made his bed or put away his pajamas, but now everything was nice and neat. Zell washed his face and went back downstairs. 

"Ah, there you are! I started your new shirt today, but I want to try it for size... you are a growing boy!" she exclaimed. 

Ha. 'Growing boy'... not quite, Zell thought. 

She picked up a small bundle of yellow gingham. Zell eyed it with distaste. 

"Arms up!" she commanded. 

"Aw ma..." he whined, but complied. She pulled off his t-shirt (which left his hair standing up in spikes that she instantly smoothed back down) and pulled on the shirt-in-progress cautiously. 

"Careful, it's all pinned together... now doesn't that look cute?!" She circled him, murmuring to herself, moving his arms into different positions and adjusting pins here and there. He signed, but she didn't notice. Nobody else at school was wearing anything like this... Zell hated it. He was really gonna get it the first day she made him wear it to school. He closed his eyes and wished for it to be cold that day, so he could leave his jacket on. 

"That should do it!" she said and took the shirt back off and settled down with it and her sewing supplies at the table. Zell put his t-shirt back on and sat with her, taking an apple from the bowl in the middle. She hummed to herself as she worked and rambled about the other moms from the PTA and from church and what kind of projects they were working on together. Zell only half listened. She didn't really expect any replies from him. It was almost as if she were talking to herself, but in a way Zell kind of liked to hear it. It was soothing, and seemed so normal and cheerful. There was no question in his mind that Ma Dincht loved him. He loved her too... and yet he could never let her know how unhappy he was. She was happy... Zell couldn't ruin that for her. 

After a while he went upstairs and spread out his books and binders and pencil boxes on his bed and tried to concentrate on his homework. But soon he lay down and stared at the wall, the words of the boys ringing in his head. What should he have said to them? What should he have done? What should he do tomorrow when it started again, to make them stop? What could he change about himself to make him fit in? If only he could figure that out... He stayed like that until he fell asleep. 

* * *

Someone was carrying him and running. He wasn't quite sure of what was happening. It was cold and smelly... he was wrapped in a burlap bag which was scratching his face and arms raw, as he was jostled around. The air seemed to shudder at the sound of explosions nearby. Fireworks? No, not fireworks. Zell was afraid. 

Now he was being shoved into the trunk of a car by a woman with dirt on her face. She was yelling, over the mayhem all around them, that he had to hide in there while she drove. He didn't want to. He was filled with terror. She pushed him inside, bent down and kissed his cheek quickly, her messy blond ponytail tickling his arms, then straightened up and slammed the lid. Zell screamed. He felt like he couldn't breathe or move. He was thrown from side to side as the tires squealed. She was going to die... he knew he'd never see her again. 

* * *

"Do you think Zilch's mommy would make me a shirt just like that?!" one of the boys' voice rang out. 

"ME TOO! ME TOO! I love that shirt!" another replied, and they all laughed. 

Zell kept his eyes straight ahead and kept walking. The whole day he been terrible... he'd been listening to comments about his shirt all day. It'd been too warm out to bring a jacket. He had opened the top button and untucked it from his pants after leaving home, but it was still uncool and itchy and childish. Ma Dincht had embroidered cute little frogs on each pocket as a last minute surprise. 

"Zell is SO cool! I want to be just like ZILCH!" one of the boys announced grandly. His friends agreed. 

"I have to dress just like Zilch to be cool! I want that shirt!" 

Suddenly Zell heard feet pounding across the sod behind him. Someone latched onto his shirt from behind. 

"Gimme that shirt please Zell! I'll be your best friend!" 

Zell shrugged out of the boy's grasp and kept walking, ignoring him. 

"HAHA! You better tell him what a friend is. He doesn't have any so he doesn't know!" 

The boy took hold of the back of Zell's shirt again, and Zell tried vainly to pull away. Zell glanced up and made eye contact for the first time. The boy was a good two heads taller than Zell, one of the most popular boys in school. 

"Lemme go!" Zell protested. 

"Lemme go!" the boy mocked. "Not until you give me that AWESOME shirt, chicken-boy." 

"Look, Ma made it so I had to wear it..." he explained, trying to reason with him. 

"My mommy made me a pretty shirt!" the boy taunted. 

"Let me GO!" Zell yelled, twisting down and away. The bigger boy planted his feet and yanked back hard. Two buttons popped, and the shirt slipped down Zell's shoulder. Zell landed on the soft grass. 

"Look what you did!" the boy yelled in mock horror. "You ruined mommy's shirt!" 

"Ooooooh!" the other boys gasped, moving in and surrounding Zell to get a better look. 

"Oh no, I hope mommy won't spank Zelly for that!" 

"Mommy I'll be good!" one of them pleaded, clasping his hands together. "Don't give me away again!" 

Someone grabbed Zell's backpack, which had been knocked askew during the scuffle, and held it up high. Zell scrambled to his feet to grab it back, but the taller boys kept it away from him. He tried to jump and get it, but they pushed Zell between them, grabbing his collar or sleeve and yanking. Another button flew off, and the shoulder separated at the seam. 

"Gimmie back my backpack!" Zell yelled, close to panic. He heard his own voice and realized how it sounded to them. Young and afraid and stupid. 

"UH-OH guys! I think we really better give it back!" 

"Oh stop being so mean to Zelly!" 

Surrounded, he decided to forget his bag and run. He ducked and slammed, shoulder first between two of them and emerged from the ring running. 

"Wait! Zell! Come back!" they laughed, chasing him. "You forgot your homework!" 

On pure adrenaline, his mind blurred by fear and pain, Zell ran for Balamb. A boy close on his heels made a grab for his shirt tails, so Zell zigzagged to the left, closer to the cliffs that overlooked the ocean. The longer legged boys passed him and blocked his way. Zell slid to a stop to stay out of their grasp, and stared panting and red faced at the slowly closing semicircle of boys. He was trapped again, his back to the bluffs. 

"Zelly, it isn't nice to run from your pals," one of them reprimanded. 

"What the hell do you know about NICE?!" Zell screamed back. 

"Geeze. Didn't your mom teach you any manners before she blew her brains out," a tall boy sneered, catching the front of Zell's shirt in his fist and pulling him up. 

Zell panicked and reacted immediately, slamming his sneaker upward and squarely into the larger boy's crotch. The boy gave Zell a hard push backwards and doubled over. The group gaped at Zell, stunned. 

"You little bastard!" one of them cried, after a speechless moment. 

"We were just playing! What's wrong with you!?" 

"Leave me ALONE!" Zell screamed again, lashing out with his fists at the nearest person. He caught Zell's wrists and pulled Zell in a head lock. Zell thrashed around, trying to pull away, then bit the boy's arm. The boy howled in pain and pushed Zell down onto the grass. 

"Well gee, Zelly-boy, I WAS gonna give this back, but now since you're being such a bully and all..." one of the boys swung Zell's backpack by one strap and heaved it out over the edge of the cliff. Zell stared in dismay as it splashed into the water about 30 feet below. 

"Ha, how do you like that, little bastard?" the boy that Zell had kicked snarled at him. 

"Why don't you go GET it!?" another one baited him, pulling him up by his collar. 

"Yeah, why don't you?!" someone shoved Zell against another boy. 

"Chickens can FLY, can't they little chicken-boy. Go fly down there and GET it!" he shoved Zell again. 

"Go on!" yelled another, giving Zell a mighty push toward the edge of the cliff. 

"GODDAMMIT!!" Zell screeched and flew at them, fists flying. They dodged his clumsy attack, and someone shoved Zell forcefully - hard enough to knock the wind out of him - backwards. Zell's left foot slipped on the grass, twisting his leg a direction it shouldn't go, and slipped over the edge. He flailed for a toe hold, but the side of the cliff was steep and crumbly. As Zell's body slid over the edge, he clawed madly at the ground, but only came up with handfuls of grass and dirt. Then he was falling, then slamming into the rocky side of the cliff before plunging into the water below. 

* * *

Voices filtered in from someplace outside of the light that Zell was in. They mingled and swirled together, but here and there they became clear. Present throughout it all was the distressing sound of a woman crying. 

"...reconstructed the side of the face ... scarring will always remain and the eyebrow will probably..." 

"...such a good boy. He's been through so much already, why..." 

"...think that Military school... needs something structured..." 

"...be comforted with the knowledge that we forgive them all ... with him as he heals and guide him. Amen." 

* * *

When Zell finally awoke fully, his room was quiet. He couldn't exactly remember what the voices had been saying. His head ached, and the left side of his face hurt and felt stiff. He moved his hand to touch it, and his arm felt almost too heavy to reach his cheek. His fingers brushed bandages, running from his temple to his jaw line. He sighed, and settled back into a light sleep. 

* * *

Zell's grandfather pulled a chair close to Zell's bed and sat down. With a shaky hand, he smoothed Zell's hair. He was glad that the bandages were hiding the damage to Zell's face. He couldn't bear to look at it. The bandages couldn't conceal his face forever though. If only there was a way to cover up the scars later... 

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Notes: this story takes place about 5 years before the game, shortly before Zell goes to Balamb Garden. He's attending a normal Jr High now (there has to be more on that island than Garden, Balamb and the Fire Cave). :) Is Seifer one of the bullies? I left it purposely vague. I wanted to show some of Zell's background here to explain the way he is in the game... ie: Zell's Ma is always cleaning Zell's room --> Zell's neatness obsession, and him wanting people to stay out of his room, etc. I can see him rebelling against Ma Dincht pretty soon after this about his clothes and hair and stuff like that. 

Thanks to Esse for pre-reading and offering suggestions!


End file.
